


hold out my lonely hands

by justwantedtodance



Category: Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (TV)
Genre: AU where nathaniel isn't a complete buffoon, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fix-It, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, Season/Series 04
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-22
Updated: 2020-01-23
Packaged: 2020-07-11 10:09:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19926343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justwantedtodance/pseuds/justwantedtodance
Summary: This is a S4 rewrite starting from 3x13 through the end of the series. Heart-wrenching drama, cavity-inducing fluff, and filling in plot holes are all in store inside. As Connie says, let's "hop on our magic carpets and fly into the glorious chasm that is..." the final season of "Crazy Ex-Girlfriend!"





	1. Nathaniel Is Irrelevant

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "and I hear your ship is comin' in, your tears a sea for me to swim. and I hear a storm is comin' in, my dear, is it all we've ever been?" ~ "Anchor," Novo Amor

Her hands linked behind her back sweat with fear the whole way to the police station; once she’s freed from the handcuffs, her hands won’t stay still, fingers guiltily wringing together, clasping in prayer position in hopes that Trent hasn’t met his demise, shaking out in a failed attempt to fling the nerves from her body while she paces around the musty holding cell. The waiting is more torture than any sentence the judge could lay on her, although the thought of that is enough to make her sick as the door buzzes open. In comes Nathaniel, much to her surprise, wiping his hands down the front of his jacket as the door shuts behind him.

She looks up at him, fear blown wide in her eyes. “You came.”

“Of course I did.”

“I didn’t think you would,” she says softly looking down at her feet.

“You sounded so scared on the phone, I was… I was worried about you.” Rebecca’s skin visibly whitens, and Nathaniel reaches out to her, ushering her to sit while making sure she doesn’t faint. “Hey, sit down. You feeling okay?”

Rebecca shoots him an incredulous look, still tinged with tiredness, but the most animated she’s been since he came in. “I just got arrested for pushing a guy off the roof, and you’re asking me if I’m _okay_ right now, really?” Her response isn’t as emphatic as typical Rebecca would be, which is understandable.

Nathaniel immediately backpedals. “Wrong choice of words. Right, yeah, sorry.”

They sit in awkward silence for a few moments save for the hum of the fluorescent light above their heads, Rebecca’s hand rubbing the growing line of sweat from her forehead while Nathaniel looks down at his hands and purses his lips together. Neither of them know where to begin. Should she ask why he really showed up and isn’t with his girlfriend? Should he question what the hell she was thinking crashing into a party she clearly wasn’t invited to? Probably best not to start with the contentious questions off the top.

It’s probably best to start with a subject that might expel the elephant in the room. It takes mustering all her courage to ask, but finally after a few deep breaths, she lifts her eyes and just barely lets her quivering question fill the room. “Do you know… is he…?”

“From what I know, he’s fine. Broke every bone in his body though, so he’ll be in a full body cast for quite some time.” Rebecca breathes out a sigh, her face relaxing a miniscule amount. Nathaniel takes a deep breath and clenches his hands together tighter. “From what I also know, they want to charge you with attempted second-degree murder.”

Any sense of hope or relief she had cracks on her face immediately as she looks up fully at him, her lower lip trembling. “B— but I was just saving your life! He was trying to hurt you, I have proof with the Instagram stories he sent that he wanted to hurt you to get to me.”

“Trust me, I believe you.”

Rebecca blinks tears from her eyes and swallows. “You believe me,” she asks, her voice pitched higher than she anticipates.

“Of course I believe you, but we haven’t been able to find those pictures, so I don’t know if anyone else will.”

The realization hits her like a freight train, and she stares vacantly into the distance. She sinks further into the chair, the sickness creeping so far up into her throat that it chokes the next words she speaks. “I’m going to prison. For a long time.”

She looks and sounds so numb and resigned. All the fight has left her body, and now she’s sitting across from Nathaniel, a pale, sweaty shell of the woman he knows her to be. He’ll do anything to light that fire back inside of her. He takes a seat across from her and scoots his chair closer to the table. “Maybe not. I have a plan.”

“ _You_ have a plan?” Rebecca pauses for a moment. “Wait, are you representing me?”

“Not exactly. Criminal defense isn’t my strong suit, never was, but I have some friends, good ones, who can help get you out of this mess.”

Why would he even want to help her after everything she’s done? Ruining his relationship, dragging him into the middle of her mental illness, burdening him with the weight of her baggage… he’s got better things to do with his life than help someone who can’t even help herself.

She looks up at him with curiosity. “But what about—” she asks, her voice meek, breaking with the question. He knows exactly where her mind is, and he’s quick to ease the anxiety she feels.

“It doesn’t matter. None of that does anymore. Look, you have every reason not to trust me, given how much of a jerk I’ve been to you these last few weeks, but you should know that I will do anything and everything to get you out of here.” 

Rebecca doesn’t say anything, rubbing her arms up and down her green sleeves to keep herself warm while she chews on her lower lip. He has a point that maybe trusting him isn’t the smartest idea, but god, she wants to, especially if he knows a way to get her out of this situation. Nathaniel clears his throat and plainly says, “I broke up with Mona.”

Rebecca’s eyes shoot up, and her mouth drops open in shock. “What? Why would you do that?”

Nathaniel shakes his head, exhaling a puff of air. “I don’t love her. I love someone else.”

“Oh god, there’s another girl,” Rebecca asks, exasperated, holding her forehead in her palm. Nathaniel gives her a knowing look, and the corners of his mouth turn up when the recognition flashes over her eyes. “Oh, me. Y— you’re talking about me.”

He smiles at her. “Yeah. And I think you love me too.”

Rebecca’s eyes soften as she gazes longingly at Nathaniel. He’s spoken the words she couldn’t bring herself to say for eight months, and every time she wanted to tell him, the words would die on her tongue, withered to bits by fear of a lack of reciprocation. But now, she doesn’t have to fear that anymore because he’s admitted to her how he feels. The freedom of that thought makes her heart sing, and a smile returns to her face for the first time that day. “Nathaniel, of course I do.”

Nathaniel takes her hands as she reaches across the table and gently rubs his thumbs across her skin. “We’re gonna get you out of here, and then we’re going to be together, alright?”

“Okay,” she whispers with a smile on her face.

“God, your hands are so cold,” he says, rubbing his hands over hers to warm them up.

She laughs quietly and apologizes, looking down at his larger hands swallowing her own. It’s a wonderful feeling to know someone like Nathaniel is there to protect her, and Rebecca immediately feels safer with his presence around.

“I’m glad you came. I really needed you here.”

“I know you did, and I wanted to be here for you. It’s the least I could do. Rebecca, no matter what happens, you need to know that none of this, or what led to this, is your fault.”

Rebecca’s smile fades, but she still keeps her hands intertwined with Nathaniel’s. “But I put you in danger. I brought Trent into your life, and he tried to hurt you. It _is_ my fault.”

“No, it’s not. You’ve been going through so much lately that no one can blame you for any of this. I know I don’t. You saved my life. And hey, if we can get access to those Instagram stories that clearly state motive, then you are free and clear.”

“But how do we know that we can get that because that is the only leg I’m standing on, and without it… god, I don’t want to lose you, Nathaniel.” Her voice grows higher and shakier as her thoughts spiral outwards to the unimaginable. Second-degree murder would quite literally murder any chance of them being together or her ability to work with him or work at all. God knows who would even want to be friends with a convicted felon after this?!

Rebecca’s breaths speed up, and Nathaniel knows she’s losing touch quickly. He brings her hands up to his mouth, kissing the backs of them while shushing her and trying to distract her. “Hey, hey, let’s not worry about that right now, okay? Trust me, my people are good, and they’ll find a way to make sure you won’t get caught in the crossfire. So, for now, just focus on the fact that I’m here and I love you.”

The door buzzes once again, and the guard gruffly tells Nathaniel that his time is up. Rebecca’s heart races knowing that she’s going to be alone again, and she grips Nathaniel’s hands for as long as she can.

“Hey, it’s gonna be okay,” he whispers. Nathaniel leans in and kisses her cheek and then her hand before stepping towards the door. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” she replies tearfully, wiping her eyes as she turns away from the door. He’s promised everything will work out, and all Rebecca can do now is hope he comes through when she needs him most. In the time they’ve known each other, he’s never told her a lie, and he’s a firm believer in not making promises that he can’t deliver, so she hopes this one isn’t the exception to that rule.

The day of her trial arrives, and her friends sit anxiously in the courtroom. She, surprisingly, is calm this morning. Rebecca knows that if she’s charged, she deserves the punishment she’ll receive for not only this crime, but the many others she’s committed in recent memory. She’ll be lucky to walk away unscathed from this one given her criminal history, but if for some reason the judge and the jury take pity on a woman in love acting in the name of self-defense, she can’t say she’ll refuse the courtesy.

When she takes a look around the courtroom, she sees her friends, all of her friends except for Paula. Which she can understand. Rebecca really hurt her, and while it may take time to absolve the guilt of incapacitating Trent, the guilt of hurting and lying to Paula might not ever go away. She finds Nathaniel’s face in the crowd, and he meets her eyes, mouthing a quick “I love you,” and even though the smile barely shows on her weary face, her heart feels his words speak to her.

Nathaniel really does have great friends. Well, he knows great lawyers at least; she can’t speak for his friends. Travis is everything Nathaniel is without any of the gentle warmth and soft underbelly. He knows his way around a case, has statutes and line numbers memorized like the back of his hand, sharp as a tack and quick as a whip in his arguments. He fires back with counterpoint after counterpoint when the state raises another of many irrelevant questions and makes sure to decimate their chances of indicting Rebecca.

As Travis closes, he makes his point with an impassioned delivery for the first time. “Your Honor, what we have here is a simple case of self-defense. My client should not be held responsible for saving someone’s life. She’s just a woman in love who can’t be held responsible for her actions.”

Rebecca’s world takes a jarring halt at those words coming back to haunt her once more. Her blood turns to ice beneath her skin, and she doesn’t hear the ending of his closing statement.

“My client was acting in the interest of the man she loves, and with the exhibits of evidence presented that Mr. Maddock had clear and undeniable motive to harm Mr. Plimpton, the state does not have a case to stand on. Let the prosecution rest.”

“It appears the defense has presented irrefutable evidence on the defendant’s behalf. I rule in your favor, Miss Bunch. Trent Maddock will be charged with attempted second-degree murder, and he or his representative will report to this court in 30 days for another hearing. This court is adjourned.”

When the judge bangs the gavel, Rebecca’s friends breathe a collective sigh of relief and chatter amongst one another while Nathaniel makes his way to Rebecca as she’s being released from her handcuffs.

“See, I told you. We did it.” He takes her hands and smiles, resting his chin against the top of her head and kissing her hair. She still hasn’t said anything, and Nathaniel looks at her quizzically. “Hey, everything okay? You’re free now, aren’t you happy?”

“Yeah, yeah I am,” she says, her voice hoarse. “Umm, I’ll call you later, okay? I just need to work through some things right now.” 

Nathaniel’s still hanging on to her hands as he nods. “Yeah, I understand. That— that’s healthy.”

He still hasn’t gotten what she wants, so she has to draw the line in the sand clearly for him, hard as it is for her to do. “Alone.”

His heart plummets in a matter of milliseconds, and he gives her a final squeeze and kisses her hands before stepping away. “Okay. Just call me later.” Rebecca nods as he walks away, and she turns her back from the crowd to retrieve her belongings.

Rebecca goes home, still numb as before and unable to shake Travis’s words from her head. The same defense her mother used all those years ago saved her ass once again, and while it’s better than being indicted for attempted second-degree murder that she didn’t commit, she knows she’s far from innocent. No matter where she goes, what she does or doesn’t do, she manages to hurt everyone she gets close to. It’s an unavoidable consequence of her friendship. She’s a loose cannon, a loaded gun, a stick of dynamite on its last inch of fuse, and she’s recognized the poison she is and how it’s corrupted her friends’ lives. It would be better if she were gone.

_No, I’m not suicidal again, Naomi. No, I’m not going and thinking about offing myself, Dr. Akopian. No, I’m not planning to kill myself, Dr. Shin. But all of you can't deny that I’m a danger to myself and to others, and anyone in my presence is in harm’s way._

_That’s why I have to leave._

Rebecca doesn’t know where she would go. Canada, Switzerland, Iceland… hell, even Colorado might do the trick. But she knows that she needs to be far away from anyone she can potentially hurt and anyone who means anything to her. She needs to run and never look back. She’s already ruined so much here that if everyone could just forget she ever existed, then maybe everyone’s lives could return to normal. How they were before she met them. She’d be just a blip on the radar, a wrinkle in the fabric of their lives that they can easily iron or steam over, and gone before they even bothered to notice.

She wishes she could just be… irrelevant.

Even though she was raised by a fat-shaming mom who did nothing but call her a loser and a freak her whole life, which certainly affects her self-perception now, she has claim over her courses of action or inaction, and she can’t blame anyone but herself for the consequences. Not her mother, not her mental illness, not God, not the Big Bang, not anyone but her broken and fucked up self.

Rebecca enters her house, sadness washing over her soul. At least Heather’s at the hospital delivering her— _the_ baby, yet another one of the awful consequences of her being here. Now someone like Darryl has to nurture the spawn of her doomed set of genes because she thought she could swoop in and save the day. At least both Heather and especially Darryl will be too preoccupied to convince her to stay.

She takes a melancholy look around her bedroom and opens up a suitcase as the last rays of sunlight disappear behind the trees.


	2. I Want To Be Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "say something, I'm giving up on you. I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you. anywhere, I would have followed you. say something, I'm giving up on you." ~ "Say Something," A Great Big World

When she drops in the first folded shirt, a sense of finality washes over her. She lifts her hands to find them trembling against her will. Why is she being so dramatic about this? It’s what’s best for everyone; what’s necessary isn’t always easy, and she has to accept that leaving, while it may be difficult, is the right decision to protect everyone she loves. One by one, the left side of her suitcase fills gradually with the contents of her drawers. This really is the end of the movie.

Of course, it wouldn’t be _her_ movie without a grand deneumant, and while she doesn’t expect Heather or Darryl coming in to try to convince her to stay, it’s the knight in shining armor, if his shining armor is the same suit from this morning that’s been worn and wrinkled from the day’s exertions. Nathaniel knocks at her door in a panic, and Rebecca almost doesn’t answer since she isn’t expecting anyone given the late hour. She sniffles and wipes her eyes before groaning as she stands and trudging to the door.

She’s taken aback when she sees Nathaniel standing on her porch looking pale with worry. “What are you doing here?”

“You hadn’t called, and I wanted to check on you. I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

Rebecca backs up into the house and tries her hardest to put distance between them. “So, you just showed up at my house without an invitation?”

Nathaniel casts his eyes downward. “I know I probably should have called first, but I didn’t want to bother you.” He takes a pause and looks up at Rebecca, who’s trying to shield herself into the darkened living room. “Rebecca, have you been crying?”

Her eyes rimmed red with fresh tears, she covers them and turns her back to him. “It doesn’t matter. I really don’t want to talk right now, so could you please just go?”

When she moves into the house, Nathaniel follows her. Probably a dangerous decision on his part, but he knows it would be wrong to leave her alone when she’s clearly upset. “Hey, look, it’s okay. We don’t have to talk if you don’t want. I’m just worried about you.”

“Well, don’t be, okay? Just leave me alone,” she snaps, turning around towards him quickly before hiding her face in her hands.

Nathaniel softens his voice. He wants so badly to cradle her and wrap her in his arms and let the world fade away while she cries out her frustrations. But that’s not what she wants right now, so he’s going to respect that; although, it might eat him alive if he doesn’t at least know some of why she’s so upset. “Rebecca, what can I do? I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m here for you now. So, how can I make you feel better?”

She’s almost reached her bedroom by the time he finishes speaking, and she can’t stop her tears from falling. “Nathaniel, please, I don’t want you to see me like this.”

Rebecca moves into her bedroom and nearly shuts the door before Nathaniel’s hand pushes it back open. “See you like what? I don’t know what’s—” His eyes immediately fall on the large suitcase laying open-faced in the middle of her floor by her bed, and his heart freefalls into his stomach. No, she can’t be. She’s not… “Rebecca, are you…?”

She drops an armful of hanging clothes onto her bed and grinds her jaw in her mouth as she turns to face him. “I told you to leave, Nathaniel. I want to be alone right now, so please just go.” He doesn’t move, just stares at her like a puppy at the front door as she leaves. She can’t take seeing him this way, so she steps up to him and weakly pushes at his chest to get him to move. “Please, please just leave.” When he refuses to budge, Rebecca cries harder and pushes at him again. “I’m serious, just leave me alone!”

Nathaniel can’t stand to see her this way; it makes him reconsider resisting the urge to empty the contents of his already empty stomach that’s been focused on her well-being rather than his own the entire day. He can’t help himself, so he reaches out and pulls her in for a hug, his arms enveloping her body swiftly and tightly.

Rebecca tries to fight him and work her way out of his hug, but he won’t let her go. “No, don’t comfort me right now. Please, don’t— I don’t—“

“Shhh, it’s okay,” Nathaniel soothes against her hair. She relaxes minutely as her tears begin falling faster. “Cry all you want. I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.”

He holds her safe and secure while she cries, and he keeps repeating reassurances to her over and over again. He promises not to let her go, rubbing circles into her back in a slow and even tempo. Eventually, her hands leave his chest where she tried to push him away and wrap around his waist, returning the hug she didn’t think she wanted but deep down knew she needed. Nathaniel’s shirt soaks up the remaining flecks of her mascara along with a fresh downpour of tears that starts when he strokes her hair. She doesn’t deserve his kindness or tenderness, she knows that, but the fact that he’s giving it to her with no benefit to him makes her wish she’d never seen these softer sides of him because he’s making it too damn hard to let go. She loves him, she always will, but what’s best for him is for her to leave as soon as possible before she destroys everything.

Her eyes dry within minutes, and she releases her arms from around his back. He lets her move away just a little but keeps her at arm’s length to attempt a conversation with her. “Do you feel any better now?” Rebecca shrugs and looks down at her feet, her mouth still downturned. “You wanna tell me what’s going on, or do you not wanna talk about it?”

“I have to go,” Rebecca hoarsely whispers. She brushes Nathaniel’s hands from her shoulders and returns to the pile of clothes on her bed that she begins to take off of hangers and fold in a stack next to her.

“What do you mean, you have to go? What are you doing? Where are you going?”

Rebecca sighs and laughs harshly as she folds and moves some of her stack to her suitcase. “Honestly, anywhere but here sounds really nice. I need to be far away from everyone I even remotely care about, so I don’t know, maybe I’ll find a nice mountaintop in West Virginia, or a cornfield in Iowa, just somewhere where I can’t hurt anyone else ever again.”

Nathaniel reaches out his hand to grab her forearm, but she immediately pulls away like she’s been burned and continues placing clothes in her suitcase. “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, what brought on this? Was it something I said or did or—?”

“Well, let’s see, I just got back from my own _murder_ trial where I literally could have been locked away for almost _killing_ someone—”

“Rebecca, we’ve been over this. It was self-defense, and you were saving my life. Plus, he’s not dead—”

“But he _could_ have been,” Rebecca argues, her head snapping up. “He’s not dead, but I hurt him. Bad. I hurt him just like I’ve hurt you and Paula and Darryl and Heather and Valencia and everyone I get close to because that’s who I am. And maybe you don’t understand that because you’re wearing your love goggles every time you’re around me, but that’s what I do, okay? I hurt people. And in order for me not to hurt the people I care about, I have to stay as far away from them as possible. Trust me, it’s better this way.”

Nathaniel chews on the inside of his cheek, letting the silence fill the room for a few moments while she shoves some makeup into a small bag. He needs to choose his words carefully. Finally after some discernment, he takes a deep breath and speaks again. “Despite what you might believe, none of what happened that night was your fault. You’ve been exonerated of your guilt in court, your friends and the people who care about you know the situation and forgive you for what happened to Trent. I think the only person who doesn’t forgive you… is you.”

Rebecca’s cosmetic bag clatters to the floor with the weight of Nathaniel’s words. She doesn’t expect that to come from his mouth, and she’s speechless for almost a full minute before she can face him with a scornful laugh. “Wow, Nathaniel. How profound of you. Did you learn that one in therapy? Oh wait, wonder what your _daddy_ would have to say about that.”

“Low blow, Rebecca,” he says warningly.

“Sticks and stones, baby. Sticks. And. Stones.” Nathaniel tries his best not to react, swallowing his emotions and staring at her uneasily. “Come on, I took a cheap shot at you, which means I’m fair game now. Hit me with your worst.”

“Rebecca, I’m not going to argue with you right now.”

She widens her eyes and pouts out her lower lip, strutting towards him almost catlike. “But you want to, don’t you? You used to love it when we’d fight. Made for really good sex after. I know you love a good verbal sparring, so come on,” she taunts, her fingers walking up the center of his chest. She rises up on her tiptoes to bring her mouth up to his ear to whisper, “Do your worst.”

Nathaniel exhales shakily. She always knows the right buttons to push to get him to do what she wants. If he resents anything about her, it’s that, without a doubt. His voice husky, he starts, “You wanna know what I really think?”

“Uh-huh,” she answers as her breath tickles the side of his neck. “Tell me how you really feel.”

“If I’m being honest here, I think… I think you have a savior complex, and it’s pissing me off.”

Rebecca backs off, her face turning up in disgust and shock at his choice of words. “Excuse me?!”

“You asked how I felt, and that’s it. I think you’re being incredibly selfish by leaving just because things got hard. Have you even thought about how this might affect your friends, your family, literally _anyone_ else except for yourself?”

“Of course I have, Nathaniel, and if you would pull your head out of your ass and stop pretending like I shit rainbows or something, you would see that I’m doing all of you a favor.”

“Not me,” he says so quietly that she almost doesn’t hear him. “Rebecca, you are the best thing about this place. You’re the reason why I’ve stuck around so long, and I don’t know what I would do without you here. When you disappeared for two weeks and no one knew where you were, I was miserable. When you went back to New York unannounced, I made myself sick every day wondering if you were okay. And now you think that leaving, quite possibly for good, is going to hurt me less?”

“That’s exactly what I think,” Rebecca shouts. She takes a breath and lowers her voice to a normal volume. “I don’t know what kind of fantasy world you’re living in, but I have done nothing but ruin your life and cause you pain. I am a homewrecker and a meddler. I am _not_ a good person. I am poison to everyone who lets me in. I— I am a stick of dynamite on my last inch of fuse, and somehow, your lovesick ass wants to play with me. So, it’s best if I leave before you and I both explode.”

Nathaniel’s fists clench. She’s not listening, and he’s on the verge of snapping. “If you’re doing this to save me, you don’t have to. I’ll be fine.”

“You would go and make this about yourself,” Rebecca mutters, picking up her fallen cosmetic bag and setting it on top of her clothes in her suitcase.

He’s had enough, and Nathaniel grabs her wrist when she stands up. “Stop trying to play God, Rebecca! Stop it. You don’t get to crucify yourself and act like you leaving will save us all from damnation.”

“What would you know about God anyway?! You don’t even believe in Him,” she fires back, yanking her hand from his grip.

“Neither do you, and yet, here you are trying to impersonate Him.”

Rebecca narrows her eyes and steps closer to him. “Oh, like you’re so high and mighty yourself. Seriously, Nathaniel, you’re just as fucked up as I am. Dare I say, even more so. Or did you forget about _lolo_ and the events that transpired that evening?”

“ _Almost_ transpired, Rebecca. And did _you_ forget about a certain venture through the dark internet in which you threatened my girlfriend? And for what? Because you were jealous?”

She throws up her hands in surrender, sputtering an acidic laugh. “Well, I guess there’s no denying it anymore that we clearly bring out the worst in each other. I know you said you love me, but you shouldn’t. I am bad for you, and you are bad for me. We are bad for each other, so let’s just stop pretending like this was ever going to be anything more than sex, okay?”

They stand there almost nose to nose breathing heavily in the tension of the moment. The frustration seeps from their skin and rolls down the slopes of their faces in fresh beads of sweat. She balls her fists and forces back the tears threatening to spill down her cheeks. This isn’t what he wanted at all. Strangely enough, this isn’t actually what _she_ wanted either. Too late to turn back now, though. That sullen thought enters his mind, and he’s the first of them to try to make amends by tucking a fallen strand of hair behind her ear.

He says calmly, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to yell at you. Look, I don’t want to fight with you, Rebecca. I just want to talk about this. Can’t we just talk about this?”

Rebecca swallows hard and avoids his burning blue eyes piercing her to the core. “Too bad I don’t really feel like talking.” Nathaniel drops his hand from her face dejectedly and knows he’s shut her down at least for a while. Who knows when she’ll want to speak to him again? “It’s late. You should probably go.”

He takes a composing breath, stuffs his fist in his pocket to keep himself from reaching out to kiss her, to hug her, to do anything, and nods succinctly, clearing his throat and turning on his heel to leave.

When he goes, he shuts the door quietly. If he were really mad at her, he would have slammed the door like he did when he found out she was suing him. But he’s not mad at her at all. He couldn’t be mad at her for this. She deserves better than a slammed door after a fight he started. Nathaniel closes the front door but leans back against it, angrily running a hand through his hair. The one person he swore to himself he would never hurt is probably licking her wounds in her bedroom and probably assumes he’s some sort of monster now.

Rebecca hears the door close, too quietly for what she deserves. God, he must regret saying he loves her after the things she said. Her legs nearly fail her, and Rebecca catches herself with her hand as she falls to the ground in a puddle of tears. Her pulse beats rapidly in her chest and thrums in her ears. She tries to cover them to drown out her pounding heart pumping guilty blood through her veins. She feels like an absolute monster.

She knew the consequences of egging Nathaniel on when he clearly said he wasn’t there to fight, but she did what she wanted anyway because that’s what she always does. While a part of her may have liked the chase to pin each other down with the harshest insult and the way their voices sounded almost aroused by the jabs they threw, the remorseful sickness after ruins any aphrodisiac effect that fighting with him once had on her. She was brutal to him for no reason other than simply to be mean, and she hates herself for the way she treated him. He’ll probably never want to speak to her again, and he’ll surely never love her again.

Her phone buzzes on the ground beside her, and Rebecca hurriedly wipes her remaining tears and sniffles as she answers the caller on the other line, childishly hoping it’s Nathaniel.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Cookie. Darryl wanted me to tell you that the baby’s here and that she’s fine, and Heather’s resting up.”

Rebecca nods and shifts to sit up and lean back against her bed. Not Nathaniel, but at least it’s good news. “Gotcha. Well, that’s great. I’m happy for him.”

Paula senses something is wrong and decides to carefully ask Rebecca about it. She wanted to end her call right there and go about her business, but she can’t help the nagging feeling in her gut that Rebecca isn’t doing alright. Even though she’s nowhere near off the hook for all the lies she’s told, Paula at least offers her the courtesy of someone to talk to. “Is everything okay? You sound like you’ve been crying.”

“Yeah, everything’s fine.” She pauses. Right, honesty only now. No more secrets. “No, actually it’s not. Ummm, Nathaniel and I got in a really bad fight. I don’t think he’ll want to talk to me ever again. I love him and he loves me, or at least he did before now. Paula, I messed this up bad, even by my standards. I just don’t know what to do, I’m so scared.”

Paula sighs on the other end and tries to advise Rebecca in the best way without getting too involved. “I’m sorry, honey. Try to get some rest, okay? You’ve both had a long day, and a good night’s sleep will do you some good. We can talk about it after you’ve rested up some.”

Rebecca clears her throat, trying not to sound too choked up by her tears. “Yeah, that sounds great. We’ll talk tomorrow?”

“Sounds good. Bye, Cookie.”

“Love you, mama.”

Rebecca hangs up the phone and looks at her suitcase on the ground taunting her. She stands up and kicks it aside, crawling underneath her covers and turning off the bedside lamp. If only it were easy enough to just fall asleep right there. Unfortunately, her head is also pounding from all the crying she’s done today, and every time she shuts her eyes, all she can see is that signature grim nod of Nathaniel’s that makes her heart break all over again. He wanted nothing to do with her in that moment, and though she tried to hide it from him, she felt her whole world shatter underneath her feet, not because she was right, but because he wasn’t wrong. She thought she was validated in her decision to leave, but he wasn’t wrong in his laser-sharp analysis of her reasons for leaving, and that hurts more than anything.

Her mind gives itself another lashing and sings itself another reprise of insults before she finally tires herself out and falls asleep.

In the morning, she feels no better than the night before. She checks her phone groggily and doesn’t see a message from Nathaniel or Paula, so she huffs and flips her phone over, rolling back over to her other side. The sun is barely peeking from behind the clouds this morning, which she’s thankful for since it’s not stabbing her eyes, but it’s also making it impossible to get out of bed. Not that she feels like it anyway, but she needs to finish getting the rest of her things together before she heads out of town the next day.

With a carry-on suitcase filled to the brim and her checked luggage stuffed with variations of outfits she can use wherever she ends up, she sets them by her bedroom door for her to grab the first thing the next morning. Rebecca sends a text inviting the girl group over for dinner later that night now that Heather’s free to come home.

Rebecca keeps things simple and orders Chinese for everyone so that she doesn’t have to bother with dishes at the end of the night. They’re all sitting around talking, though Rebecca is a bit more withdrawn from the conversation, still formulating when and how she wants to break the news to her friends that this is the last of their weeknight dinners. It’s not until Paula touches her arm and says her name that she snaps to reality and tries to outline her thoughts.

“Rebecca? You okay over there? You’ve been pretty quiet all night.”

She keeps her eyes trained on her hands in her lap, inhaling shakily and winding her fingers together. “Ummm, actually, there’s something I need to tell you guys. It’s kind of important.”

“Go ahead. What’s up,” Valencia asks, leaning in closer, as does Heather on her left.

“So, tonight has been absolutely incredible, and I’m so glad you all were able to come. Girl group dinners are probably the highlight of my week, and it pains me to say that… this is the last one of these.” Rebecca tears up, and her voice begins to tremble. “I’ve decided I need to go away for a while. I don’t know when I’ll be back or _if_ I’ll be back, but I know that my being here has brought nothing but destruction and suffering into your lives, so I think I just need to go away so that no one else gets hurt. I’m sorry.”

When Rebecca reveals the news, Heather’s mouth drops open sharply and remains that way until someone else picks it up for her, which doesn’t happen. Valencia’s eyes widen, and she covers her mouth to keep her choked sound of surprise from being too loud. Paula’s fork falls into her food, and she looks as though she’s at a total loss in every sense of the word. No one speaks for a long time, too shocked by the news Rebecca broke moments ago to even formulate words. Rebecca waits for someone else to speak before explaining her reasons, but nobody seems to want to break the silence; it’s not until she’s about to explain herself anyway that someone finally says a word.

“Please don’t leave.” Of all people, it’s Valencia who lets the words weakly escape as a tear rolls slowly down her cheek. The last time Rebecca considered leaving West Covina was the first time she saw Valencia be vulnerable, and now that Valencia knows Rebecca might be gone forever this time, she doesn’t know how to respond other than to cry. “Rebecca, please, you can’t leave. I don’t know what I would do without you here. I don’t want you to go.”

“But there’s no reason for me to stay here anymore. I continually meddled with you and Josh and your relationship—”

“But you brought me to Beth. Not directly, but if it wasn’t for that day at Electric Mesa, I would never have learned to let my walls down with another woman. _You_ taught me that, Rebecca. You showed me how strong and fierce and powerful I can be, and I would have been scared to try with Beth if not for your help.”

Rebecca sighs and wrings her hands together. “Okay, so I did one good thing for one person. Big deal. That doesn’t change the fact that I’ve been so awful to all of you in the past when you didn’t deserve it. God, I said some really horrible stuff before the whole Josh thing, and then I just stormed out without an apology or anything.”

Heather is the one to cut her off this time. “Well, I won’t lie that what you said was tough to hear, but I needed to hear it. Look, Rebecca, you helped me see that I’m more than just a student. You’re, like, a badass career lady, and you showed me that I could be that too. Plus, your whole search party was how Hector and I got together in the first place, so I definitely wouldn’t have that without you. I wouldn’t be me today without you.”

Still intent to argue her point, Rebecca resumes her speech. “But you still don’t get it. All of those things came out of bad circumstances that I created. Valencia, I basically kidnapped you and drove you to Electric Mesa against your will when you wanted nothing to do with me. And Heather, you wouldn’t have had to go look for me had I not stormed out to exact my stupid revenge plot. I caused all of those things.”

Paula, who’s taken a beat to absorb the conversation, finally feels like she can contribute something productive. She reaches across the table, placing one of her hands on top of Rebecca’s folded ones, and looks calmly into her eyes. “Honey, do you remember after your housewarming party when I went to Tommy’s school and had to talk to that awful principal?”

“Yeah?”

“You faced your fears by going through with that party, and you helped me face mine that day in the principal’s office. Without you, I wouldn’t have been able to even set foot in there. Without you fighting for your love story with Josh back then, I wouldn’t have been so inspired to repair my marriage, and look where Scott and I are now. Without you, I wouldn’t be in law school, and yeah, your recommendation may have been a teeny bit late for submission, but I’ll never forget the words you wrote about me.

“On top of all that, you have contributed so much good that you don’t even realize. Honestly, I can’t even remember what my life was like before I met you. Heather and Valencia will agree with me that you are the glue that holds this girl group together, fo-evah. You brought the four of us together that night when I got stuck in the bathroom and I thought we had absolutely nothing in common. But I’ve come to realize that what we all have in common is our love for you. You are love and light in all of our lives. This group is not complete without you, we are all not complete without you, and this town is certainly not complete without you.”

Rebecca can’t help herself, the tears freefalling down her face, and she leans into Paula for a hug. Quickly, Heather and Valencia join the tearful embrace with tears of their own. It’s a picturesque moment, the four friends hugging and realizing the deep relationship that’s been built over the last year could be gone in a blink if Rebecca were to go away. The three of them might still hang out occasionally, but things wouldn’t be the same without the reason they’re all friends in the first place. What they have is truly special and too priceless to let slip away.

So many Big Bad Wolves have blown apart Rebecca’s friendship houses in her life. Though the Big Bad Wolf appears in many forms through her childhood and early adult life, it has always been able to decimate her houses without breaking much of a sweat. If this Big Bad Wolf is her overwhelming sense of inadequacy and her desire not to be a burden to others, the Wolf is going to have to try hard to knock down this house this time. Her friends act as her shelter with foundations of brick-solid love for Rebecca and all she is, so try as they might, no wolves can huff and puff loud enough to knock down these sturdy walls of protection.

After wiping their tears, the group decides to turn dinner into an impromptu sleepover as they sprawl out on pillows and blankets in front of the TV watching and poking fun at the collection of the cheesiest romantic comedies on Netflix. They only make it about halfway through the second one before Paula’s lightly snoring on the couch and Valencia is curled into a self-designed boho chic blanket nest on the floor underneath Paula. Heather and Rebecca are still awake, but Heather quickly decides to forgo the armchair for the comfort of her own bed after popping a human out of her vag. Her words. Rebecca gradually turns down the volume before tiptoeing back to her room to settle in for the night.

When she opens her bedroom door, she is immediately greeted with her two packed bags from this morning trying their hardest to be picked up and whisked away on a conveyor belt to anywhere but this dump of a town. Rebecca looks at them so neatly stacked next to each other and knows that their outward perfection makes it so easy for her to want to grab them. But outward perfection is not the definition of a life well-lived. A life on the run is not a life at all. While it’s taken time for her to truly understand how that can apply to her life, she knows, in some respects, she’s lived her life as a runaway child sleeping in dingy boxcars and begging for shelter anywhere that would let her avoid her problems just for a little while. She’s learned that fear is always there, no matter how far she runs, so she has a choice to face it or let it overtake her.

Today, she’s choosing to face it.

Her life’s not perfect. So far from it that back home, her mother is probably having a stroke at how far Rebecca’s life is from the Naomi track. But Naomi isn’t the conductor on this train anymore. Sure, Rebecca’s train is a bit slow to start at times, sometimes makes strained noises when climbing uphill, sometimes speeds downhill almost too quickly to catch itself at the bottom, and some days doesn’t move much at all. Her life isn’t perfect, but it’s _hers._

Rebecca reaches for the handle on her taller suitcase, rolls it over to her closet, opens it up, and begins to restock her closet. Little by little, she hangs up the clothes and reminds herself of a positive thing she can associate with each article that goes back in the closet. Only about five shirts and three dresses get put away before she’s yawning, the tiredness from the day’s exhaustion settling into her bones. She’ll get to the rest of it tomorrow.

As she lies down, she opens her phone to her messages and almost begins to type a new text into her conversation with Nathaniel. She starts to formulate a good opening line, but something feels off. This isn’t a place to say what she wants to say. Instead, she presses the call button underneath his name and holds her phone to her ear as it rings. She gets his voicemail, unfortunately, but it’s better than nothing, she supposes.

“Hi, you’ve reached Nathaniel. Leave a message, thanks.” The dial tone beeps, and Rebecca’s heart begins to thump loudly in her chest, pulsing at what seems like a thousand beats a minute. _Face your fears or let it overtake you? Love is not as scary as it appears. All I gotta do is face my…_

“Hi. Ummm, it— it’s me. Listen, I know I’m probably the last person you want to talk to right now, but I wanted to tell you that I’ve made a decision. After giving it some thought today and after an emotional conversation with my friends, I’ve decided I’m staying here in West Covina. 

“I still need some time to sort through and process everything that’s happened over the last few weeks, though, so… I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to see each other right now. You might want to take it back now, but please know that I still love you, Nathaniel. I don’t want to give this thing up or give you up, but I think I just need to press ‘pause’ on us until I get my life back in order. And as soon as that happens, I hope you’ll be there to press ‘play’ with me.

“I’m sorry to call you so late, but I just wanted you to know what was going on. I hope you’re sleeping well, and I hope you know that I love you. Talk soon, okay? Good night, Nathaniel.”

Rebecca ends the call with her trembling hand while exhaling a deep breath. It’s not the end of the movie, it’s just a commercial break. She’ll try to keep telling herself that and hopes Nathaniel doesn’t change the channel like the last time. Maybe this time will be different. She’ll have to wait and see.

At least for now, she’s safe for now inside her little house of friendly love where her lifeline of best friends stays with her through the night and into the morning, celebrating her and the incredible influence she is. Never more has Rebecca truly felt a sense of belonging and attachment to a place on a map. While she may have come to West Covina for Josh Chan some time ago, he’s no longer her reason to stick around, and she’s starting to see how many little reasons she has for staying. 

She can safely say she wants to be here, not for anyone else but herself. And not just here in West Covina, but _here_. She has a revitalized reason for living, and it’s still love, but it’s love in all of its forms. For friends, for food, for new documentaries, for shopping until her feet hurt, for ice cream in the winter, for the California sunrise, for the chance to start each new day on a blank canvas and finger paint her way through it. 

A life in love, she sees now, is the only way to live.


	3. I Am Ashamed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "you are so worthy of everything I have to give, but I burn with feeble offerings. nothing to sustain, fan against the flame, oh what I've made." ~ "Unworthy," Vancouver Sleep Clinic

The week trudges on, the second hands on the wall clocks can’t seem to tick fast enough for anyone’s liking, and time seems to drag minute by arduous minute. 

Every day, Nathaniel looks around the office, forlorn, for his— Rebecca, and it feels like the two weeks post-wedding fiasco all over again. Each time the elevator dings, he snaps his head up in hopes she may come through the doors and their lives could resume as they once were. Except that now, everything has changed, and whatever “normalcy” they had tricked themselves into believing before the rooftop incident and its fallout has been blown apart and swept away into oblivion. 

He loses hope around day three into her disappearance. One less bell to answer.

He hasn’t left his office in days, and no one bothers to question it. Everyone knows the reason he’s so upset, but mentioning it will only make things worse, so it’s easier for everyone to leave Nathaniel alone and let him work through the emotions that he’s been struggling to stifle.

Paula is the first brave soul to knock at Nathaniel’s office door since the beginning of the week, and she cautiously pokes her head in. “Hey, could I come in?” Nathaniel nods, barely glancing up from his computer, and Paula shuts the door behind her before taking a seat across from Nathaniel. “So, I don’t know if you want to know or not, but I do know where Rebecca is.”

Nathaniel pauses thoughtfully, lifting his fingers from the keyboard and filling up his lungs completely before exhaling. He wants to know if she’s okay, of course, but not if she’s in trouble, though he reasons that it’s worth the risk to ask since it might give him some peace of mind. His voice hoarse, he asks, “Where is she?”

“She’s at home. Heather says she hasn’t left in three days since that article came out.”

Nathaniel audibly sighs, half in relief that she’s at home safe and half in concern that she’s read and re-read that article a thousand times and can’t imagine what she must be thinking. He read it. He kind of had to given that he’s mentioned in it several times, and after working to the end of it, he has half a mind to march up to the newsroom and let that opinion columnist have an earful. But he doesn’t want to start another fight. Instead, he’s chosen to fight with himself repeatedly the last few days for the way he treated her when he came over and knows that her last impression of him. Good luck ever getting her to open up to him again.

“To think I was so awful to her when I saw her last. I can’t believe I—” He fights back the tears forming in the corners of his eyes. _Pathetic. Don’t be so childish, Nathaniel. Tears are reserved for when you break your leg or when someone dies. Real men don’t cry._

“Nathaniel?” Paula waves her hand in front of his face to capture his attention, but it takes a few additional seconds for him to respond to the stimulus in front of him, blinking sharply and shaking his head.

“Yes, sorry. Umm, have you had the chance to talk to her? Find out if or when she’s coming back to work?”

“I think she just needs some time to process everything. We all do. I just wanted to fill you in on what’s going on, so… I’ll just leave you to it.”

Paula stands and heads towards the door before Nathaniel calls her back. “Oh, Paula. If you get in touch with her, could you let her know that she’s welcome back here anytime? Whenever she’s ready, we’d all like to see her back here.”

“I’ll give her the message,” Paula says with a small smile.

“Oh, and one more thing?” She turns back to face her boss inquisitively. “Umm… thank you. For the information. I really appreciate it.”

Genuinely stunned at his graciousness, Paula’s smile widens, and she closes the door behind her, giving a fond look in Nathaniel’s direction. Ordinarily, he wouldn’t have thought to thank her, but he’s learning to be kinder, gentler. It will take time for him to not have to think about expressing gratitude and benevolence, but it’s a start.

Even though he knows where Rebecca is, he can’t help but worry if she’s truly processing everything that’s happened or if she’s a complete wreck. He assumes the latter given Paula’s updates but hopes he’s wrong. Rolling his shoulders back, Nathaniel sets himself up to finish his work, focusing on expending his mental energy on work-related tasks only, at least until the day ends, and then he can resume worrying about Rebecca. The laser focus he typically has looks more like a cloud today. Every ding, every shift in light, every murmured conversation leaves him thoroughly distracted and unable to finish anything.

So, he replays her last voicemail for the third time today just to hear the sound of her voice.

* * *

Rebecca’s in a similar position. When her phone chimes, she looks over at it and frantically hopes it’s Paula checking in to make sure she’s okay or asking where she’s been, but just like the last 36 notifications that have interrupted her mindless scroll through this article’s comments section about her recent behavior, it’s everyone _but_ Paula wondering where the hell she is or what happened. She’s probably still at least a little angry at Rebecca, all rights reserved, but Rebecca holds onto hope that this article hasn’t driven a stake in their friendship. _The Daily Covina_ had no reason to release any of that information since she didn’t kill anyone, nor did she go to jail, but written in black and white is the expose that’s killed her career, her friendships, and her love life all at once. Anyone who reads this won’t ever want to associate with her again.

Immediately, she wants to pin blame on someone, _anyone_ , else for leaking the information about her past to a news source; however, in light of her attorney’s incidental reference to her own mother’s defense for her recklessness, she’s trying to take responsibility for her actions and own up to the things she’s done, including all the true things in this article. It’s not the information in the article that sickens her as much as the public’s response to that information. Reading comments calling for her arrest or another stint in a mental institution makes her stomach twist as she blinks back tears and scrubs her hands over her face. The one that really guts her says that “her mental illness isn’t an excuse to behave this way. She can’t blame this on anyone but herself.” As tough as it is to accept, Rebecca grits her teeth, swallows the shards of her pride, and speaks the words out loud. 

“They’re right. I have no one to blame but myself.”

“Ok, that’s it. This pity party is officially called off. Now, _please_ go take a shower. I’m so tired of smelling you before I see you when I come in the kitchen.” Heather tries to close Rebecca’s laptop, but Rebecca protests, weakly pushing back against Heather’s hand before she lays her head on top of her closed laptop in defeat.

“Heather, I don’t know what to do. I can’t go out because by now, everyone in town has read this and knows everything about my past. And even if they haven’t, they’ll all look at me like I’m some sort of… criminal, even though I didn’t actually commit a crime. Can’t I just stay in the house? I can just stay here forever, right? Or at least until everyone forgets about this?”

Her roommate sighs and sets down her coffee mug, leaning on the countertop towards Rebecca. “You know, you’ll have to go out at some point. Also, let’s not forget tomorrow is Halloween, and we have the _Hocus Pocus_ cemetery screening tomorrow night with Valencia. Isn’t Halloween your favorite holiday? Plus, since last week, you haven’t stopped talking about how you’re going to pay homage to Kathy Najimy, your favorite witch, and we still need to find you a costume.”

Rebecca groans. “But that would mean I’d have to leave the house and see people and face my problems, and I just don’t wanna do that today. You know, I have some podcasts I really need to catch up on while I reorganize my closet, and—”

“No, no, no,” Heather insists, taking Rebecca’s hand and all but dragging her to her bathroom, the older woman in tow whining all the way. “I am not letting you wallow in your shame spiral anymore. If you _really_ don’t want to go, you need a better excuse than the one you just gave.” 

Rebecca shifts uncomfortably when Heather releases her at her bathroom door. Heather’s not one for big speeches or heartfelt gestures; she’s the friend you call to slap cold hard sense into you. But since she’s really all Rebecca has right now, Heather channels every Paula-ism she’s tucked away in the last year of knowing her and sighs before launching into a monologue.

“Look, I know it’s hard. I know going out is the last thing you want to do right now, but you’ll feel better once you do. I’m going with you because God help us all if you’re left alone in a Halloween store with your credit card, so we’re both doing scary things together.”

Rebecca nods along, slowly convincing herself that Heather might, in fact, be right. She even laughs a little at Heather’s joke, although she is also right about that. “This would ordinarily be the part where Paula would give this meaningful, heartfelt, gross diatribe about facing your fears and standing up to bullies and all, but you’ve got me today. Soooooo… _carpe diem?_ All that shit? No time like the present? Shoot your shot?”

“I’m awful at sports, you know this.”

Heather rolls her eyes. “No, it’s just, like, an expression that… you know what, never mind. All I’m saying is you’ve got this, and I’ll be here for you the whole time. ‘Kay?” Rebecca nods, her shoulders ever so slightly rising from their slumped position, a semblance of confidence breathing into her posture. “Go get ‘em, champ.” Heather pats her head before walking back into her bedroom to get ready. “And don’t use all the hot water, I still have to shower!”

Rebecca finally cracks a small smile and shuts the bathroom door behind her as she steps in and observes herself in the mirror. Heather was right; she really does look like hell. All this drama has physically manifested itself in her tangled, frizzy hair and the droopy wrinkled neckline of her oversized pink sleep shirt. The bags under her eyes hang sullenly, and the squinting she’s done to read her computer screen for hours a day has given her an ultra pounding headache, so she’s looking a bit worse for wear. Taking a deep breath, Rebecca taps her fingers on the bathroom counter, counting to five in her head before opening her eyes and exhaling. It’s go time, Bunch.

* * *

His finger taps repeatedly on the edge of his laptop while he stares at a blank screen, wishing the dreaded cursor would fill in the lines of exactly what he wants to stay.

“Dude, the keys aren’t gonna move themselves. You’ve gotta type something.” White Josh rolls his eyes and stares expectantly at Josh, sitting at Hector’s kitchen table, and waits to hear the sound of keys clicking rhythmically that never comes.

“But that’s just it. I don’t know what to say.”

“Well, it’s a résumé, Josh, so you’ve gotta put your work experience on there since you’re using it to, you know, get a job. Start with that.” Josh takes a pause as he recalls the places he’s worked in recent memory. 

Hector interjects with a quizzical look. “Wait, haven’t you done this before?”

Intimidated by White Josh’s scrutinous look, Josh glances off in the distance, his mouth turning down wryly. “Not exactly. Rebecca helped me get my job at Aloha, so she took care of this stuff. I just told her what to put. And Aluminum wasn’t exactly interested in my previous work history on paper. And back in New York, I got my roommate’s mom to help me, or more like do it for me, so… I guess this really is the first time I’m doing this on my own.”

“Okay, this is ridiculous,” White Josh grumbles, scooting a chair to sit across the table from Josh. “We are well out of high school and college, and for you to have not done a résumé by yourself before honestly just pains me. I’m not that smart, but even I know how to do this stuff. It’s called being an adult. Try it some time… like now.”

Josh shrinks back from his friend’s harsh criticism and knots his brows together in guilt. He’s right that he does need to learn how to do adult things, but he’s not sure he’ll be able to handle it. All his life, he’s known he’s great at anything physically demanding, but his intellect pales in comparison, which is always what attracted him to smart, successful people like Valencia and Rebecca. Sadly, there’s no one to cheat off of in Adulting 101 and there’s no one else with a bulleted and tabbed life plan to refer to, so no one can make major decisions for him but himself. He’s not exactly prepared for what happens if he fails his first major test of adult life.

Hector, the softer of the men on the opposite side of the table, feels compelled to ease the blow of White Josh’s words by translating into more… Josh-friendly terms. “I think what WhiJo meant to say is that adulting sucks and it’s hard, but you’ve gotta man up and do it. My mom used to tell me that someday, the high school jocks would be flipping burgers while the nerds they picked on would be their bosses. So it’s your choice, man. Do you wanna be a burger boy or a boss man?”

Josh scoffs. “A boss man, obviously. But no suit and tie type of stuff. That’s only reserved for costumes, like my Halloween costume for tomorrow night. I’m gonna be a weatherman.”

“Dressing up for Halloween, Josh? Really screams adulthood, man,” White Josh mocks. “If you go trick-or-treating, I’m officially done being your friend.”

“Pfft, nah, I wouldn’t do that. I’m a _man_ now, remember?”

He’ll just make sure to hide the candy really well when he gets home.

* * *

 _Am I a man, or am I a weakling?_

When he finally takes a lunch break, Nathaniel can’t stop himself from browsing through his phone and looking at pictures of Rebecca. He stops and looks fondly on one from the company Christmas party at Darryl’s when she wore that gorgeous cranberry colored dress that made her sapphire eyes sparkle. Darryl snapped a shot of Rebecca laughing as Nathaniel opened his Secret Santa gag gift from her, and Nathaniel immediately saved it to his phone when Darryl shared the album on Facebook. 

Scrolling a little further in his camera roll, Nathaniel finds one of her from earlier this year sprawled out on a blanket in Woodgrove Park reading _Pride and Prejudice_ , the sun peeking through the trees behind her at the perfect angle for him to take a quick picture of her, one with her completely absorbed in Jane Austen’s prose and one with her blinking up innocently at him over her book, the corners of her mouth just barely peeking over the edges of the pages. She begged him to delete it when she figured out what he was up to, but he refused and set it as her contact picture the next day. It’s still the same picture today.

He could get lost in her eyes. How those eyes are able to show so much emotion, he will never understand, and he will never stop trying to read each one that flickers across her irises. Sadly, the last ones he remembers deciphering are anger and regret. It chokes him up all over again.

_Don’t you dare start crying. There’s no reason for that. Do you see yourself, son? You’re being dramatic. Quit making a scene, Nathaniel. What is wrong with you?_

He tries blocking out the incessant loop of his father’s voice in his head, but there’s no escaping it. Nathaniel pushes his chair back and wipes his sweaty hands on the arms of his chair. After being stretched to his emotional limits, he concludes that the only way to completely reset himself is to push himself to his physical limits. Maybe that will make his father’s disparaging remarks and the supercut of Rebecca disappear for the moment. Nothing that a long, _long_ run can’t fix.

So, he shuffles out early and tries his best not to draw attention to himself by taking the stairs instead of the elevator for additional privacy since no one else in that office would ever think about using the stairs, and he changes hurriedly in his apartment, doesn’t look back, and just runs. He’s got no destination in mind; hell, if he wanted to, he’s certain he could run from here to Pasadena without a second thought. The weather’s nice enough that he can last a lot longer without the scorching heat beating down on him, and he’s got nothing but time and self-loathing.

Nathaniel knows he messed up. Bad. He knows his words and actions were inexcusable that night at Rebecca’s house, and come to think of it, even before then. He’s got quite a list to atone for, but he’s not quite ready to dive into his own long list of sins he wants to purge. Of course, the comfort turned confrontation at Rebecca’s the other night only adds to the guilt he’s just now putting a name to in his stomach, and it makes him want to hurl over the side of the bridge he’s running across now, though nothing would come up if he tried.

Wait, this run was supposed to get him to _not_ think about Rebecca.

Inhale. Exhale. Don’t think. Just run.

His feet strike the pavement with every stride, but he doesn’t wince at the sting radiating up through his lower legs. A deep-seated masochistic part of himself loves it, begs for it even. He’ll take any distraction he can to rid himself of his regrets. It burns, it aches, but it feels good. Nathaniel breathes through the exhaustion. Grits his teeth and demands himself to work harder, to push further, to stop settling for anything less than perfection. To stop living in a fantasy and wake up.

A twig snaps under his right sneaker, the harsh crack catches him off guard and makes him stumble on the sidewalk, so he pulls off to the side in a grassy patch, rests his hands on his knees, and takes a gasp after running for miles nonstop. Nathaniel looks at that twig, stepped on and snapped, its edges jagged from the newly placed cracks in the wood. What a pitiful existence. Fallen so far from its mother tree with no hopes of returning home. But now, it’s broken and useless. He looks at that twig that made him nearly break an ankle and draws a sad poetic similarity to it. Only for a moment. Because if there’s anything he’s not, it’s breakable.

He keeps running, faster than before.

* * *

“God, I love Halloween,” Rebecca squeals as she runs down the aisle of door decorations and runs her fingers through the assortment of dangling metallic streamers, the shades of purple, orange, green, and silver nearly assaulting Heather’s face.

“Okay, we came here for a costume, not so you could spend this month’s utility bill on door decorations that you already have.” Heather takes Rebecca’s hand and ushers her towards the costume section.

“Wait, wait, but I don’t have this one, I could use it for the bathroom door—”

“Nope, nope. Not giving into this. Come on, we’re walking this way now.” With a final groan, Rebecca cedes her protests and walks with Heather towards the costume aisle in search of the perfect tribute to her favorite witch, Mary Sanderson. Wandering up and down the aisle, she doesn’t see anything that immediately jumps out at her, so she moves towards the accessories and away from Heather. She’s eyeing a rust red corset top that she’s wondering if she can squeeze her boobs into when she’s tapped on the shoulder, and she turns around in surprise.

“Oh my god, it _is_ her!”

“Wait, what?” Rebecca turns her nose up at the boy with an idiotic, gleeful expression that tapped her on the shoulder moments ago since he’s now signaling to his friend to come over.

“It’s you. You’re the Rooftop Killer, right?”

“Ummm, I didn’t kill anyone, actually—”

“My boyfriend wants to dress up like you for Halloween this year. AJ, can you get a picture of us?”

“That’s me, I’m the boyfriend. Hey, so, about your outfit, do you have any pointers? Because if not, I’m just gonna go with some basic white girl crap. That’s about right, right?”

Rebecca shrugs half-heartedly and turns up her nose a bit. “I mean, I was a little busy saving someone’s life, so I wasn’t too concerned with what I was wearing…”

“Hey, could you put your hands around my neck like your choking me,” the other boy chimes in.

“Okay, seriously, where are you people getting your news from, Facebook?” She waits for a response that doesn’t come, the two just staring with expressions that read, “well, duh,” so she groans. “Right, Gen Z. You wouldn’t know a reputable news source if it hit you over the head,” she mumbles. She sighs heavily and concedes to the ridiculous request. “Fine, whatever.” 

With a playfully menacing expression, she poses for the pictures that AJ takes from a multitude of angles and obviously a few in portrait mode. The pair walks away in celebration, thanking Rebecca and gabbing over how nice she was to them. Instantly, Rebecca’s stomach churns, and she takes cover in a secluded aisle.

“This is exactly why I didn’t want to come out today,” Rebecca whispers, folding her arms across her chest and shrinking back into the kids’ puffy princess dresses behind her.

“Okay, so those two guys knew who you were, so what? They’re probably jealous because they’d never be able to make skinny jeans and chunky boots work like you do. Just don’t let it get to you, okay? You’re better than that.”

Rebecca cautiously lifts her eyes. “I am?” Heather nods emphatically. She urges Rebecca to take a breath and saddle back up to get that corset top she was looking at before someone grabs it first. Making her way back towards the aisle she was on before, she’s tapped on the shoulder once again, this time in a calmer way.

“Excuse me?” It’s a girl this time, probably closer to Rebecca’s age.

Rebecca, exasperated, turns around with an eye roll. “God, this is not a photo op, people. I’m in a private place of business, I have rights—“

“Oh, I wasn’t going to ask for a picture. I saw what happened with that couple a few minutes ago, and I just wanted to say that I read your story, and I think you’re brave.”

Rebecca furrows her eyebrows and looks off to the side. “I’m _brave?_ I was stupid, not brave. Get your facts straight.”

“But you saved the man you love, didn’t you?” Rebecca’s expression softens minutely. Yes, she saved Nathaniel but at the cost of pushing him away with her petty argument. It gives her pause when the girl in front of her uses the present tense to describe her relationship with Nathaniel, and in the moment, she doesn’t quite know how to answer that question. “Look, I don’t know you, personally, but I think you did a selfless thing. I don’t know what I would have done in that situation. Try not to be so hard on yourself, okay?”

Choked up with an onslaught of new emotions Rebecca hadn’t allowed herself to feel in days, she nods with a struggle and blinks back tears. “Yeah. Yeah, I’ll try.”

The girl gives her one final fond look before returning to her shopping, and Rebecca takes a deep breath before taking the corset top and heading back to find Heather. The conversation with that stranger makes her feel both better and worse at the same time because she knows that she should let herself move on from the experience, but it’s impossible to change how unkind she is to herself, and her self-criticism won’t be going away any time soon. Her new semi-friend urged her to forgive herself for what happened, which gives Rebecca a thought.

She knows exactly what she has to do.

Rebecca knocks on the kitchen door a little after 8:30. Scott’s in the living room while the kids are upstairs in their respective rooms, and Paula’s sitting at the kitchen table studying a section of one of her bar exam outlines, so the knock comes as a surprise. She decides to answer the door and finds Rebecca standing outside, a mournful and apologetic look on her face.

“Hi,” Rebecca starts. “Can I come in?”

“Of course. What’s going on, are you alright?”

Rebecca shrugs her jacket off and hangs it over the back of the kitchen chair across from Paula. “I guess. But also not really. I need to talk to you about something that’s been on my mind these last few days.”

“Okay?”

Taking a deep breath, Rebecca tries to calm her frantic heart but fails miserably. She’s more nervous about this than anything she’s done in recent memory, but putting her heart out on the line might be the only way to save her friendship with Paula. So, she has to take the leap and get right to it sooner rather than later.

“So, first, I have to apologize to you. I know that it probably means nothing because I’ve apologized over and over again for all of this, but I have to lead with that. Lying to you, keeping secrets, taking out my own inner turmoil on you… that was not cool, and that’s not what friends should do, so I’m sorry for how I’ve treated you these last few months.

“I also want to thank you for sticking by my side and being there for me when you had every reason not to. You’ve been defending me and sticking up for me when I haven’t been brave enough or strong enough to do it myself, and…” Rebecca begins to tear up, and she begs her voice not to tremble to no avail. “That means the world to me. It really does. Sorry, sorry, I’m really emotional right now.”

Paula reaches out her hand and gently places it on Rebecca’s arm. “Oh, honey, it’s okay—”

“Wait, can I just finish what I wanted to say,” Rebecca sniffles, looking up glassy-eyed at Paula. Her friend nods for her to continue, so Rebecca composes herself and finishes her speech. “So, I guess what I’m saying is that I haven’t been able to forgive myself for all this mess because I still don’t know if you forgive me. I don’t know that I could move on from this until that happens because, Paula, you mean so much to me. You are my absolute best friend, and I hate that I’ve hurt you so much, and I really hope that you can forgive me because I don’t want to lose you—”

Rebecca’s tears stream down her face uninhibited, and Paula’s heart breaks as she wraps Rebecca into a tight hug. “Honey, you could never lose me. I will always be here for you to support you and protect you. There’s no question that I forgive you. None. It’s taken a while for me to reach that point, but I do forgive you. We all make mistakes; that’s a part of being human. And you’ve apologized for those mistakes and taken responsibility for your actions. So, now, you have to let yourself move forward and try to not repeat those same mistakes.”

Rebecca lifts her head. “You really think I can just… move on?”

“I do. You can’t stay living in the past forever. That means you’ll never grow and things will never change.”

“Even though there is something really weirdly satisfying about not wanting things to change…”

“That’s fair. But you are more than your mistakes, and you can’t let the past define the present or, better yet, your future. You can use this experience as an opportunity to become the person you want to be. That’s what I think this was meant to teach you.”

Rebecca nods with a soft smile. She knows her friend is right; she’s always so full of wisdom.

“Now, Rebecca, this is important. I do forgive you, but it’s going to take some time for me to trust you again. You wanna take responsibility for your actions? This is a test of that. You’re going to need to earn back my trust if we’re going to be best friends again. I need to see that I can trust you again.”

Rebecca reaches out her hand to Paula’s and makes intentional eye contact, her face open and genuine. “I’ll do whatever it takes. You have my word.”

Paula lets a tearful smile spread across her face, and she stands up to hug Rebecca fiercely. “I love you so much.”

Through her tears, Rebecca smiles and repeats the same words back to her best friend. The purest and most unbreakable bond is between best friends, and some way or another, they always find their way back to each other. No matter how many miles apart they might be, Rebecca and Paula both know that through thick and thin, they will always have each other.

* * *

Around the same time of night, Josh finishes his final keystroke at the bottom of his document, his résumé now officially complete. It’s only a first draft, but it’s better than what he had six hours ago. He takes a scan of the page and nods, satisfied with his progress for the day. So, he prints out a copy and proudly shows it off to Hector.

“Wow, you really did it, Josh. All by yourself?”

“Yep. Well, I watched a couple YouTube tutorials to get the formatting right, but I got it done. I was wondering, though, if maybe your mom could take a look at it to make sure I didn’t misspell anything?”

Hector takes the paper from Josh’s hand and tries not to look too displeased. “I’ll pass it on. But let me trade with you.” Hector hands Josh a small stapled packet complete with some one-bedroom apartment listings in the area. “Just in case you needed a little help getting started.”

Josh peruses the packet, stunned by Hector’s generosity. He’s prepared to take a leap of faith (not literally this time) and pas de bourrée into his future with a smile.

* * *

Limping through the doorway, Nathaniel all but collapses in a heap on his couch, thankful to finally sit down after what might have been the most brutal self-inflicted punishment he’s ever endured. Unfortunately, it’s not silenced his father’s jeers in his mind, nor has it erased the montage of Rebecca’s devastated faces, which is what all this torture was supposed to do.

So why didn’t it work?

It’s worked for him up until now. Forcing himself to run almost 20 miles with no rest didn’t seem like much of a challenge at first with his cardiovascular stamina, but as the miles ticked on, the excruciating white-hot pain nearly blinded him, and his breakneck pace left him scrambling for air by the end of the run as the sun began to set. He’s certainly faced more challenging physical tests, but this one felt different. Physical tactics tend to help get him out of his head, but this one didn’t. Why?

His mind hurts too much to psychoanalyze tonight, so he bags some ice cubes and presses the bag to his rolled ankle, propping it up on a pillow on his bed. Nathaniel lies back with a deep sigh, scrubbing his hands over his face, and shuts his eyes without turning the lights off.

The next day, Nathaniel wanders into Home Base against everything that compels him to bolt in the opposite direction. A beer would probably do him some good. He takes a seat at the end of the bar where he can be alone and just enjoy a drink in peace while not thinking about the messiness of his life.

“Oh, hey Josh! How’s it going, buddy?” Kevin, the bartender, calls Josh over to the bar. He stands corrected. Nathaniel’s eyes roll out of instinct at Josh’s too chipper smile and gross good-guy charm that doesn’t speak to his actions, especially given the hurt he’s caused to Rebecca. He turns back to his drink and tries to keep himself inconspicuous while discerning bits and pieces of the conversation.

“Actually, pretty great! I just finished up at my therapy appointment, so I figured I’d stop by on my way home. Hey, thanks for the recommendation, by the way. Dr. Akopian is the _coolest_!”

Akopian? That name sounds familiar.

“Yeah, she’s pretty great.”

“Oh, I’m actually seeing her husband, Davit. He’s a great listener and actually has better Yelp reviews. Anyway, I was talking about my whole running off to the priesthood thing, and I actually got some pretty great advice. He said that in order to change my situation, I need to look within and fix what’s broken inside because that’s the only way to be truly whole.”

He thinks back to that snapped twig lying there dead in the middle of the sidewalk. When Nathaniel took a look at the object that almost literally cost him an arm and a leg, he remembers how it looked when it broke apart. Worn and jagged inside, edges poised more for skewering than snuggling. Even though it looked sturdy and tough on the outside, the inside revealed how weak and hollow the branch was and why it fell in the first place.

Fix the inside in order to change the outside.

Suddenly, it dawns on Nathaniel what he needs to do.

Later that night, with a thumping heart and trembling hand, he types the words “LA county therapist” into Google and buries himself in the search results.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, after a long while, I've finally updated! I hope y'all didn't give up hope on this; I just needed some time away from it. if you saw my Tumblr post, you know this. But I'm happy to be back, and I'm feeling pretty good about this one. I hope you enjoyed it, and feel free to come talk to me here or on Tumblr @justwanted2dance (new username, I know!) if you're looking for a buddy 😊


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